Ok this will be a very long entry so please feel free to not read it. Seriously i wont be mad. Its just my normal entry about how i think i need medication for my depression which will one day turn into mental illness. That wasn't suppose funny if you were laughing.
Sorry about the language, I'm warning you now.
Yeah! Jason Bateman will be on Letterman, thats why its taking forever.
First let me say that i really dont believe in karma, fate or signs or really other things like that. I just thing they are coincidences. But after last night and something else that happened today. I think that He is trying to tell me that what i did is wrong. I mean i think its ok to do our acts as fun and to people who wont mind. But to people who we know are depressed and i feel are suicidal? Thats mean. Yea i think He's telling me something. Yea im still mad at he who shall remain nameless but it came back to bit me in the ass. I think i should think more before i act.
Well, talking about thinking. I think about thinks way to damn much! I over think things. The whole day i thought about Brad. Well, i was in a car and was bored. But i was thinking about last night. It had it's boring moments but i had fun. I'm going to miss him so much. I really care about him and want to him to be happy. So many things have happened between us but i dont know if they mean anything. I dont know if he likes me. I think he does then i think doesnt but really i think its me just wanting him to not like me because then if he did i wont know how to act around him. But then someone will try to tell me that he does. But then Whitney will be mentioned(not by him) so again i dont know. I guess i could say why i've been doing all this thinking. Last night i called him at 2:30 or so. And we were talking and he sounded really sad. And he wanted me to come over. But i said no. I mean it was 2:45 in the morning and i didnt want to leave erika and i dont know where he lives. And while he was asking me this and i was thinking how Steven did that all the time and i did at first and how after while i hated it. If it would have been different i would have. I called him this morning to ask if he was home and if i could stop by before i left, but he didn't answer. So i've been sorta sad all day because i miss him and i probably wont see him again. I could but it wont be anytime soon. Ill talk to him-hopefully! But in the car, while i was thinking, i'm just going to tell myself that it was the AC blowing in my eyes but i started to tear up. Life's so sad right now. But im kinda mad at him. He left all that shit(haha it kinda looked like that too) on my car. It was sorta hard to clean. But its in the garage so it will be ok.
Next topic...I'm also alittle sad because i've been thinking about the past. But this was brought on by something happening that i thought would never happen. When he called i thought the world was ending or either he just wanted to know someone's number. Or it could the prank call PeePee left last night on his phone. Gah, That was a bad time to leave him a prank call.Its Steven. But he called to APOLOGIZE for all the shit(he didnt use that word) he put me through and for being a jerk. I could really tell that something had happened to make him realize what he had being doing. But i was just so stunned that i didnt really talked to him. I said thank you like couple of times and i have forgiven you and gotten over it. But damn you steven! why now? I just got over all this like a week or 2 ago. And now your going to apologize. Well back to what i said. i told him that it was alittle late but thank you and i can tell you meant it. An hour later i was still thinking about it so when i got to Dothan i called him-after some convining from erika- to ask why now and how do i know you actually know you mean it this time. Because he has apologized to me so many times or done something somewhat nice to make me forget about the bad but they have all been lies and really not truthful. He will be like im sorry i was jerk but hes only apologizing because he knows im pissed. But what happened was that his significant other broke up with him becasue she couldn't take him being a jerk to everyone else. It was really sad because he really cared about her and he was just apologizing to everyone and he didnt really have yo do this and she didnt even know he was doing this. But its good for him he needs to grow up and stop treating people like shit. Im glad he's trying to learn and i hope he does. But he said he was sorry like 20 times and really meant them this time and he knows that before he didnt always mean them. Im proud of him. I cant believe im saying this. The world must be ending.
Ok well i think thats everything that has happened today, its been a werid crazy day.
OK SUMMARY FOR THOSE WHO DIDNT WANT TO READ IT -- I dont know what to think about Brad-does or doesnt he? or even do I? Steven called to give a truthful , honest apologue. I cant believe it. Im actually happy for him and praying that he does become the good person i knew he could be and i see him starting to be. I feel bad for the other night still and i think its really a sign that i shouldn't have done it. Poor guy! OK now im going to watch Jason Bateman(I love him) and look up some info on adolescent depression. Nite!